One thing I’ve come to learn over the last year is that sometimes it’s better to walk away from a fire rather than waiting for the flame to die anymore than letting it burn you. I’ve been through all of the above. And I’m exhausted. I don’t have the fight for it anymore. I don’t want to chase anyone. If they want to walk away, walk. Want to run? Make sure you don’t stub a toe, tear four tendons, and break your ankle on the way out.
I can tell you that doing so is fucking painful. And completely eliminates the literal possibility of chasing anyone in any respect.
I can’t even walk to the god damn toilet and you think I have an interest in chasing you? No offense, but full offense, get over yourself. Nobody’s interest or affection or desire is boundless or limitless. There is always a point where you must truly confront yourself honestly and painfully.
“Is what I’m doing contributing to my well-being, growth, and happiness? Or am I entertaining something I can’t be a part of and that can never fulfill what I desire? At what point do I step back and understand that there isn’t a fight?”
There isn’t a battle. That’s not what this is. And what it should never fucking be is a fucking war! You should never have to fight for someone to be with, want, desire, or love you. You should never have to do that. I should never have to do that.
We all deserve so much better.
But it’s hard.
God damn it’s hard.
And it’s so fucking painful. Not even “The Most Painful Thing Ever” either, because, chances are you’ll have to repeat this god forsaken process over and over again trying to get it right.
The problem with the ago old adage that trying the same thing is insanity comes from the fact that life doesn’t fucking work that way. We can never approach a situation in the same manner or accurately gauge reactions because it’s always in flux. And I know that part of this is just how my brain processes things now.
It’s a shitty thing to say you’ve been affected by trauma. To put words to events and memories is a powerful thing. It fucking hurts. It sucks. But nobody else can do it.
And with great power comes dramatic leveling of ground zero: you.
