Day Zero

Why is it so hard to just call and make an appointment?
I already have the list of mental health providers.
Three of them even share the same building.
Should make it easy.
One call and the easier chance to get in with one of them.

That's the hard part about scheduling appointments for the first time.
Or really any time.
If you try to get in with a new provider, they may not accept new patients.
And you quickly lose patience with that after the second or third try.
What was the point if just making the call stresses you out this badly?

Which quickly turns into self-doubt and loathing.
You realize that nobody is going to check up.
Nobody is going to make sure you did it.
It isn't on anybody but you.

So you beat yourself up for not doing more.
For not doing anything for yourself.
For being so selfish you can't bring yourself to do anything for own good much less anyone else.
For retreating from everything and everyone.
For no longer knowing how to build a bridge.
For being really damn good at sparking a match and throwing it onto another pyre.

Look at the chard remnants of the ones burnt to the ground once used to get you here.
Is it any wonder?

Did they light the way or only darken, obscure, cloud the past?
Do we build a bridge to ourselves?
Do we build a bridge on nothing but the empty vastness beneath and before us?
Do we build a bridge on the hope of finding something, someone out there? 

When we pleaded,
“Is there anybody out there?”
The vastness answered back. 

“For millions of years mankind lived just like the animals.
Then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination
We learned to talk.”

We stand at this precipice
Looking over the cliff's face
Staring at the depths from which we have climbed
The sea, we learned to walk
The breath, we learned to speak
The words, we used to build bridges.

And we’re terrified of taking the first step.

 

“It doesn't have to be like this. All we need to do is make sure we keep talking.”

Soon I'll Come Around

When days look like forests and the idea of the future feels like getting lost beneath the canopy of Amazonian wildernesses, trying to stay afloat takes a different set of skills while on dry land. 

In the end I've come to learn that whether or not you decide to put your heart into it or not, life very well may cost you it all the same.

Read More

Thank You For The Ride

Whatever you can do is enough. Whatever you've gone through is enough. Wherever you came from, the fact you are here is enough. Wherever you are going is as good as any. Anywhere you are going is a good place to reach. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else nor do you have to explain anything. The fact you are here is enough, because you don't have to be and that makes living worth enduring the pain of it all. Waking up each day and choosing to keep going takes more strength than any story or legend or myth could conjure. Nobody can ever tell you that they know best for you better than you.

Read More

We Ignore Truths (For Temporary Happiness)

And we look up towards the heavenly hellish night sky. We reach up. We reach out. We grasp for one last touch to hold. One last glimpse to cherish perpetually immortalized in our hearts. Burned into our retinas. Etched onto our chests. Frozen in time as a ghost of a time past. A ghost of where we stood last. A ghost in Pompeii.

Read More