26 Years and Still Seems Like I've Just Begun to Understand

2017 marked a turning point in the celestial trajectory of my journey. I rang in the New Year sitting alone in my room drinking a bottle of champagne and found myself single, unemployed, discouraged, and directionless. I sat here staring at my keyboard, my screen, my life in sentences and my sentences in life. I reflected upon the tally of my life as it stood naked in the mirror glaring back into my eyes. I reflected upon the poem, “The Man in the Glass” (1934) by Dale Wimbrow

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Someday I'll Love...

I found myself alone, wrecked, destroyed. I found myself lost in the expanse of emptiness. I found myself lost with no direction home, no knowledge of how I got there. I found myself with no one to revel in the love I no longer had left to give. I found myself a ghost, a haunting, a shadow of the man I had once created, and of the one you did within me.

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April 5, 2010

4-5-10

 

I stand in a crowded room

I feel as alone as a desert snake

Writhing and hiding its way through

A summer sandstorm

 

The wind blows and deafens my ears

With a constant ringing

With the buzzing of a hornets nest

Buried deep in my chest

 

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

 

You started it, my love, can't stop it

Tried burying it, hiding it, ignoring it, numbing it,

Running, fighting, fucking, speeding, meditating,

praying, wishing, hoping, singing, writing, playing,

Just to maybe—

Just a moment—

For one second—

 

I've written more songs than I can remember

Had such vivid dreams I swear—!

That I could reach out across the expanse

Years lost, nights' tears, days' misery

 

Let's be perfectly clear,

I never 'lost' her

I let her go

without so much as a fight

I wanted to believe

In all the bullshit that poisoned my mind

about letting go of what you love

 

What a crock of shit

Why would anyone believe it?

I was a fool with a 'silly heart'

 

Can I chalk it up to youth?

What about immaturity?

Insecurities?

 

Life once seemed a curious series of mistakes

Now I look back and see short-sided visions

Distorted realities forced into molds

I've never quite believed in predestined fate

But I did believe—

Do believe—

I don't know what to believe anymore.

 

I just know when something becomes

More powerful than imaginable

Until it's undeniably unavoidable.

5am

“5am” (March 1, 2010)

 

5am and I cannot sleep

I'm thinking about you and me

Because I can see you not with me

 

5am and I cannot sleep

I'm thinking about you and me

coming together, you'll see

 

Cause you're so sweet

When you're talking to me

Never thought we'd exist

As shadows fading in the mist

 

Looking back in misery

Your love so clear, I should've seen

But you're with him not my absurdity

 

You were the one I ran to when I was down

Knew every way to turn my head around

Forbidden treasures, Forbidden fruit

Forgotten memories, Forsaken youth

 

10pm and I'm still awake

mind tremors lie like Earthquakes

Exposing every fault line we faked

 

We played a game of fate

As of late, I really don't think

You're worth the high stakes

 

Closets filled with mistakes

Strawmen turned hollow bones

In the burial tomb of her womb.