26 Years and Still Seems Like I've Just Begun to Understand

2017 marked a turning point in the celestial trajectory of my journey. I rang in the New Year sitting alone in my room drinking a bottle of champagne and found myself single, unemployed, discouraged, and directionless. I sat here staring at my keyboard, my screen, my life in sentences and my sentences in life. I reflected upon the tally of my life as it stood naked in the mirror glaring back into my eyes. I reflected upon the poem, “The Man in the Glass” (1934) by Dale Wimbrow

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Set Sails for Bluer Skies and Warmer Waters

"I'll always encourage the reckless texts confessing your feelings. The kind where you throw your phone after hitting send.
I'll always encourage the horribly straightforward conversations at 3am when conversations get deep and you can't always put how you feel into words.
I'll always encourage you to say the things that make your heart beat fast and your legs shake.
Because I know how alive you feel when you feel something for someone else." 
-Unknown

 

I *want* to hear, and listen to you, and tell you all those things that sit on the edge of our tongues waiting for the breath to give them life. Send me your messages. Talk in my ear. Cry on my shoulder. Sit there and listen to me rant about Star Wars so you don't have to think for a few minutes or hours. Come sit in silence with me. Let me go sit with you in silence. I've lost too many people in my life for any and every reason and I don't want to lose anymore because they hurt.

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Paying The Cost and Leaving Before The Show

I sit with the decisions I made to let it all go because I no longer knew what I wanted from this life, in this life. I became lost in my own mind, indecisiveness, and isolation. I saw everything I had ever wanted right before my eyes, held the world in my hand, and knew I simply had to make the smallest effort to reach out and take it all. Everything sat before my feet, before my hands, before my eyes, and I walked away thinking I deserved better from myself, from my love, from the world...without working for any of it. I felt I deserved it. I no longer felt I had earned anything. I no longer worked for it, no longer strove to make something out of nothing, no longer saw the value of all that we had paid and sacrificed to reach the crossroads where we stood, across from each other, unable to reach each other any longer.

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Do Star Wars Droids Dream of Force Lightning?

This is a theory about the consciousness of droids in the Star Wars universe and how most biological creatures of higher intelligence regularly dismiss, ignore, or wholly undermine the autonomy of droids. However, on multiple occasions we see droids ignoring orders, altering orders, and exercising independent judgement. The most concrete example comes from Episode IV: A New Hope when C-3PO and R2-D2 decide to split up in the desert rather than following hardwired programming. I also believe that they fall under the influence of the force and may have force sensitivity but lack the ability to actually manipulate the force. But, as Obi-Wan told Luke on the Millennium Falcon, the force moves through, surrounds, and touches every living thing.

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Tell Me The Secret and I Will Make It My Religion

Here I sit on another indistinguishable night spent alone staring at my keyboard blankly waiting for the inspiration to cease. I would love nothing more than to pull the woman I love close and lose myself in hair down the back of her neck for a few blissful hours of sleep; feeling that security of holding someone as close as possible knowing they long for no place other, for no one other, for nothing other. I cannot tell you when exactly I lost that feeling but I know what came to replace it.

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